leebeishi

That was the quietest 50 minutes I have ever heard in our class. 11S78 is not known to be quiet; in fact it is quite the opposite. We’re a lively class, to the extent that sometimes people think we don’t take things very seriously. But that’s not true, which is why Mr Tham’s words affected us so much today. Too often, our teachers approach us very differently because we’re the ‘loud, outgoing’ bunch. I guess that’s true to some extent, but because of this we sort of lost touch of, or ignored a deeper emotional connection that can help us tremendously in times like this.

For the past year, no one truly understood us. I am not saying they aren’t good teachers, we have incredible teachers like Mr Liw who truly cares about our well-being and they really try their best to help us. But rarely do we get a teacher who can relate to us, understand us, and most importantly, communicate their thoughts and feelings out loud. Most of the time we know what the teachers do for us, but sharing it with us made a huge impact, which is why I wanted to talk about it.

It may be the raging hormones (teenage years sigh), the irrational (or not) paranoia about A levels and our future, the stress because of high-performing siblings. Any way the past week hasn’t been easy. I doubted my abilities and I really couldn’t bring myself to believe that I can achieve what I want to achieve by the end of this year.

I have always blamed my poor grades on my lack of intelligence. Why can my brother still do so well even when he is so busy with other commitments, but I can’t even juggle between subjects? It is so easy to blame it on my IQ. However deep down, I know that even if I am not as smart as my brother, the difference in our aptitude will not account for so much difference in our results. I try to avoid thinking about it, but today I was forced to confront the fact that I am pulled back by my lack of discipline.

I was not a studious student, sometimes I even scoff at my peers who try to put in the effort in their studies. I tell myself that I’ve tried my best when I do badly for any tests, but did I? Looking at Mr Tham’s breakdown of our quiz, I can’t help but question myself: What am I doing with my time? If I can’t even achieve the most basic requirements, who am I to expect so much? The only thing I can say is, I didn’t try hard enough. If I want an A, I can’t just expect it to come to me. I have to work towards it. If he can persevere through my teacher's honours class and his two competition seasons, there is no reason why I cannot study harder.

It all boils down to how much I want to do what I’m doing. Having commitments on every weekday is not easy and it took me a long time to decide. I remember Mr Liw told me that we have to make time for things that we want to do. I am really interested in Proteomics, I sincerely want to help the children from MDAS, and band is very important to me, because even though it may not be one of the high-profile CCAs, the friendships fostered means a lot. I learnt that sometimes we have to ignore other people’s jeering and do what we really want to do and what we believe to be right.

The question now is: can I manage? With so many commitments, will I be able to live up to my promises? It gets tiring and I forget why I chose to do this. Today reminded me of why I decided on these in the first place. I really want to do what I am doing now, and he stirred up the passion in me that is otherwise buried under fatigue and responsibilities and expectations. I just needed some reassurance so badly. I wanted someone to tell me that I can do it if I really, really want to. I needed someone to tell me that we reap what we sow. Normally, I can talk myself of this grey, depressing phase, but this time I couldn’t. He was the one who reignited our motivation to improve. So it is times like this that I am really grateful for what he said, for who we have as our teachers.

Finally got back the motivation to update. 
2012 didn't start smoothly, I remember that phone call. Even though my impression/memory of her was quite fuzzy, I guess it's still losing someone.

Anyway school's different, more work, requiring more effort and basically more stressful/demoralising when you don't meet your own expectations. And there's always this nagging, irrational anxiety. Uncertainties sigh. J1s' orientation made me miss being a junior! The pure passion and enthusiasm, the screaming and cheering, no ulterior motives, not much worries about work. 

H3 is quite interesting, I like small classes. 

The past week has been quite crazy trying to complete all the work. 

Ahh the guilt from procrastinating.

People
always leave. This reminds me of math. Each of our lives is a line.
Some lines are near, some far. Some lines intersect with our very own
line. But they will eventually leave and go further and further away.
The strangers we meet on the streets everyday are skewed lines. Our
shoulders may touch but we never stop to get to know each other. Far
far away there may be someone who has so much in common with you but
you will never know about each other, these are parallel lines. Your
best friend to you is just like a sin x graph to the x-axis. They
never go too far, and they keep coming back. I wish our lives are
just straight lines. But no. It turns and twists. We lose our best
friends, go further and further away from all the people we used to
know. And we meet new people. I guess our life partners would be the
lines that are the most similar and the closest to ours.

And we never forget. We may think about it less, but we never forget. We
remember the slightly bitter and sour taste of the word 'bye'. Not
that long-lasting, we move on eventually, but they always give us a
nasty surprise. Oh well. That's life I guess. It gets better.
Besides I really can't complain about life. Life's good. 

My scoliosis is killing me. The pain is getting bad some times...

Sigh I miss my 404 friends so much ): Let's go steamboat again :DDD Had so much fun teasing deborah last friday haha but I think carrie and I embarrassed ourselves in the canteen and in front of her class. Gosh. Miss bullying her hahahaha

Excited about sewing something ;) 

I'm so glad there's only one day of school next week. My brain is exhausted and unmotivated.

Kind of sad that mr lee is leaving sigh. But I guess it's good for him? Lol just that bio won't be as fun. I can't remember what we did last thursday during that 1.5 hours of tutorial, I think she was going through cancer. I was too busy trying to stay awake/get into a comfortable position in that stupid LT/studying for bio o. 

Went out with section last friday haha. We don't do much together but we just manage to love each other (: Sigh why are they so adorable :')

Btw I spent the whole of saturday sleeping haha.  

Shit I need to go stretch/lie on the bed/kill myself. Ouch. I need to start sitting/standing properly.